20. Boy What Have You Done

How can I relay this feeling to you?
How can I share this important moment with you?
I want to
I need to
So I don’t feel alone

See, I was alone
In California
In the mountains
In a tiny town called Idyllwild
It was hot – a heat wave
Firefighters on alert
But I was there for a fashion show
For what I do
A person, an institution
Investing in me
Believing in me
And my ability to put together a half-ass
Nice ass event

I could do it.

I did it.

But not without hard work

I sat
In my huge California mountain cabin
Beds all over the place
But just me
And the insects that fly
Around the lights
Against the screens
Trying to get inside
And I sat
At the kitchen table
Obsessing over
The sound
The images
The designers
The time
The looks
The sound

The sounds
I became obsessed with the sounds
Of Cris Derksen
That cello

Another glass of wine
The rhythm is hypnotic
And I sit

Thinking of you and wishing you were here.
One call
Two calls
No answer
You’re away.

Away, away, you were always away.
Away, away, I didn’t know you were away
With other girls
Loving other girls.

Spending holidays with things on the side.
‘things’ – these ‘things,’ I hate these ‘things’
Why did you drag these ‘things’ into my life?

That cello, that cello, that beautiful cello
It continues to play
To remind me of my accomplishments
To remind me of my shortcomings
To remind me of being in California while you were fucking someone in Sitka
To remind me to hate women who dress as Superwoman for Halloween
To remind me of all the ones you chose over me
To remind me of falling apart

To remind me of the beauty in insanity
In harsh places
Like the Dakotas
The Turtle Mountains
Where I find my healing
Lose my medicine
Alone, alone
I’m always alone.